Friday 14 July 2023

Being More 'Me' | My Big Realisation

When I first started writing this post, it was going in a completely different direction. I felt like I was going through a type of crisis. I felt like a fraud writing these Being More 'Me' posts because I didn't know who I was, at all. Although, at the same time, that was kind of the point of these posts, to record the journey of figuring out who I am. Well, I'm pleased to say I do know who I am now.

I am non-binary. And it's taken me years to accept that.

As a teen, I was intrigued by androgyny. I can't remember how I learned about it now, I think possibly a friend of a friend was androgynous, but I loved everything about it. Getting older, and seeing the words non-binary, I definitely related that to androgyny. I did think about how maybe I was non-binary but as much as I wanted to, I didn't really fit into the androgynous box. It's only over the last couple of years, and meeting non-binary folk that exclusively present masculine or present feminine I have really opened my eyes.

It definitely had me thinking, and I have decided. I am non-binary, and I don't have to exclusively present in any way. I can literally dress however I want, people can think whatever they want, but as long as I'm comfortable, I am happy. I'm also blessed with a name that can be shortened in such a way that it is unisex.

My pronouns are she/they. When I get married, I will still be Mrs/a wife. But I just needed to know, for myself, that I am non-binary. I don't think I'm going to officially "come out" to family. I think I'm going to take a leaf out of my cousins book and say that it's not necessary. I can live my truth without having to have that discussion. If they ask, sure, I'll tell them. But I just don't have the energy to come out again.

So this is me. I am Sam (you can still call me Saph though pls and thank you.) I am a bisexual, non-binary 27 year old, finally learning and accepting who I am wholeheartedly. Oh, and while I'm at it, I've also known I'm polyamarous for like ever but I am in a monogamous relationship. Honestly, that's the hardest part of everything but we are working on compromises around that. But that's for josh and I to discuss.

I just cannot believe the sense of relief I have right now. I have been sitting on this for, I don't even know how long. Most strongly over the last year and a half. But I was in the shower and I was thinking about the conversation I had with my transgender, non-binary friend nearly a year ago and it was just like a lightbulb turned on in my head. I knew the answers to the questions I've been having for so long and I just felt immediate peace within me.

Until next time,
Saph x

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