Wednesday 22 August 2018

I'm Feeling a Little Lost, Lately

I've been lacking motivation lately. I've been wanting to write this post for about two weeks now but I just haven't had the energy for it. As I touched upon in my Self Care post, I've not been feeling my best. Although, the same week I published that post, I made a point of trying to utilise everything I listed and by the end of the week, I felt incredible. Unfortunately, that didn't last.

I just have a lot of worries. Money being the main one. I seem to burn through it without even realising and it stresses. me. the. hell. out. I am considering getting a job, but I honestly don't want to. I had the intention of being a stay-at-home-Mum right from the start, and I don't really want to change that before I have to (e.g. until Charlie goes to school) but if I get desperate enough, I'm going to have to start applying for jobs. I think I'm going to give myself until January before I really start considering it though. 

I also can't decide where to go with my photography career. I left my retail job in 2016 to finally make a real go of it, spent a fortune on business cards and a website etc. but then I got pregnant and was too ill to work. Part of me still wants to make that a reality, but at the same time, I really don't feel talented enough. I barely even do photoshoots because I want to any more, let alone to get paid. The last photoshoot I did was in June, when I did Charlie's cake smash to use for his birthday party invitations. It didn't go anywhere near as planned, but it was still kinda fun. However, my best friend has already booked me as a photographer for her wedding next year, so I'm really torn. Maybe I can look into working within another local studio, but honestly, there's not many photographers around here whose work that I actually like enough to want to work with. Ash has suggested that I get into modelling. I just laughed in his face. 

I've considered looking into college courses that might interest me, or even going back to college to finish off my photography degree, but I hated being in education. Although to be honest, there's not a whole lot in life that I do like. So far the only thing I've genuinely enjoyed doing, is helping my sister out with her childminding job. The two year old she looks after absolutely adores me, and I adore her. I thought it would hurt more, having lots of kids around as I can't have any more myself, but actually, it's been really nice. Maybe working in a nursery is something I could look into, but also the idea of changing another childs nappy that isn't Charlie's freaks me out. It's bad enough having to change rotten nappies in my own time; do I really want to do that for a living?

Overall, I don't really know where I'm going in life and I hate it. I know I'm only 22 (soon to be 23!) but I just feel so lost. I always have really, I've never fully known what I want out of life. I'm completely considering upping sticks and moving to Sheppey with Mum, but even that won't really work out. It'll be too cramped in her caravan for all of us and there's no way to afford one for Charlie and I. Even the monthly rent on one is more than I get a month. However, I am going back to Sheppey early next month, and Mum said I can stay for a couple of weeks this time, rather than just a weekend or a week. I'm really looking forward to going, I'll get a small break from Charlie where he'll be clingy with Mum (happens every time), we'll be going out lots and swimming. I'm so excited to get back in the pool, I enjoyed it so much when I was there last. If I don't lose a good few pounds in the few weeks I'll be there, I'll be fuming. 

Of course, being in Sheppey will mean I probably won't be blogging at all next month. The wifi there is horrendous so I won't be taking my laptop, and blogging in my phone isn't much good at all. I'm a bit scared about what this will mean for my blog views; please don't forget about me! Although, the wifi in the clubhouse is pretty good, so maybe I could take my laptop and sit in there and blog if I wanted some alone time...we'll see! I have a lot to think about.

If anyone has any suggestions about what I can do work or college-wise (course suggestions would be fab!) please comment below and help my sanity a little. Alternatively, if anyone would like to send a little help my way, please consider donating to my ko-fi page for as little as £3. The last few months, I've been left with as little as £20 in my bank account (mostly just down to grocery shopping!) and any help would be greatly appreciated.

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